Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
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This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
selfie game
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
my dad has had enough
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server