if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
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Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.