It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
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[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
sugar glider wrangler
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.