I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.