Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
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Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?