dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
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Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.