What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Well, when ppl tell my “Happy birthday” I reflexively tell them “Happy birthday” back, if that makes you feel any better
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok