Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
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(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.