This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
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cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
The best thing about Twitter’s 140 character limit is that it keeps profanity-prone me from inserting any inadvertantly unnecessary motherfu
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”