Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
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Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.