According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
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Always leave them wanting their money back.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
The honesty is refreshing
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*