Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
You Might Also Like
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Where is your GOD now????
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.