“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
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“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Happens to everyone.