Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
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They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Cop: “License and registration please.”
*opens glove compartment and a harmonica falls out*
Me: “I swear to God, officer! That isn’t mine!”
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading