[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
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Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
When does CPR become necrophilia?