The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
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*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.