Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
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To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
socratic questions
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*