Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
You Might Also Like
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.