[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
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[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
My birth announcement for our third baby
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.