Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
You Might Also Like
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
*aggressively waits in line*
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
finally
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.