me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
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Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
🙀🙀🙀😹
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old