You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
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Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time