wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
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Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Stop sending me this shit.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…