“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
You Might Also Like
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
How much for the goth pool noodles?
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
bad news gang
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Best spoiler warning ever
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another