sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
every. time.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕