Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
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Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”