My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
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I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??