My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
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Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd