Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
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wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!