The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
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If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
I’m having an out of money experience.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.