[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
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Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.