8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
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The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe