My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
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Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”