The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*