Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
We’ve all been there
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.