4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
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When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones