One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
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There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Help Wanted
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
And now we wait
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!