I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
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Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
hear me out : pockets for your socks
Thanks to a fan for this one!
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.