When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
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A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.