Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
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One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
This could be us… but you playing
Life is a suicide mission.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.