If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
do what now??
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.