At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
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If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
selena gomez
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.