I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
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“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie