As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Thursday Thought.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: