Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
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Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Oh we’ve met.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.