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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I’m putting together a team
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.