Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
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It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”