Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice