I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
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“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*