Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
You Might Also Like
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
One of the best
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
PhewThe Chosen Phew
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to